Change Me
by CapeCodPhoenix
Summary: Everybody loves her, but she's in love with the one girl she can't have.
1. The Simple Truth, The Secret Reality

I was _that_ girl. One might call me a heartbreaker, others might call me a slut, but one thing was for sure: I was desirable.

In the town of Rosewood, it was almost common knowledge. I was the girl everyone admired, the girl people fawned over, but I never spent more than one night with the same person. I suppose you could call me cruel, but honestly, it would be crueler to lead them on, to let them fall in love with me, only to yank the rug out from underneath them later. I was the girl your friends warned you about, the one they told you not to bother with because I'd only break your heart. I supposed it was true, I'd probably broken many a heart, but these days, if you went after me, you knew what you were getting into. You knew you were getting a one night stand.

It's not that I didn't care about them, in fact, many of them I still do care about, but not in the way they wish I would. But still they lined up, time after time, and I knew every time they thought that maybe they would be the one that would change me, the one that would make me give up the line of assumingly meaningless one night stands because I would want to be with them and only them, but they never were, and they would never be.

The truth was, I was in love. Madly, passionately in love with someone I knew I could never have. Though I would never divulge who I was in love with, and, in all honesty, nobody knew I was in love with someone because I never bothered to mention it. It wasn't really worth mentioning as it was an unrequited love. But in my heart I knew that as long as I was in love with this person, I wouldn't be emotionally available to anyone else, and I didn't foresee this changing anytime in the near or even not-so-near future.

Because of my unrequited love for a person who shall remain nameless, I was lonely. I ached to be with my love, but for obvious reasons, I couldn't be. In an effort to ease my loneliness, I'd had my first one night stand. And my second. And eventually, I had become known for them.

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**A/N: I know I just started this fic, but as of September 16th all my current fics will be on hiatus, so that I can focus on writing my novel. For updates on my novel, or when I might resume my fics, follow me on twitter: CapeCodPhoenix I will be updating all my fics as much as possible between now and September 16th**


	2. I Wish You'd Look At Me That Way

I stared into the eyes of my best friend. The beautiful brown eyes of the girl I was hopelessly in love with. The beautiful eyes of the girl that was currently staring at somebody else.

It should break my heart, right? And in a way it does, seeing her long for someone the way I long for her. But I've known from the beginning that I had no chance with her, so it's long since been something I've accepted, regardless of how much it makes me want to strangle the person she's looking at.

My eyes wander down to her lips. I wonder if they're as soft as I imagine they are. Not that I'll ever have the chance to find out. But still, I long to take them tenderly in my own, to taste her lip gloss sparkling on the surface of her luscious lips.

I have to force myself to come back to reality. I take a deep breath, and make myself look away from her. Instead, I look in the same direction she's looking.

I can feel my blood boil just looking at him. I don't understand how someone like him can capture her attention so completely. I wonder what she sees in him, which in turn makes me wonder what she sees in me. But it doesn't matter what she sees in me, because I already know she doesn't see me the way I wish she would. But _him_, I just don't understand. I don't trust him as far as I can throw a feather. Admittedly, even if it were a guy more worthy of her affection, I'm pretty sure I'd still want to rip their head off out of jealousy, but there was just something about _him_ that screamed unworthy. In my humble opinion, he's an asshole, but I suppose there must be some redeeming quality in him or she wouldn't be dating him. I trust her, so I'm trying to trust him, against all my instincts I'm trying, which is something I'd only do for her.

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**What do you think? Who's POV do you think this is in? And who do you think the girl is? Please review!**

**A/N: This story is officially ON HIATUS while I focus on my novel. Don't worry, it's not over yet, in fact, it's just begun. Updates will resume once I've made major progress on my novel.**


	3. All Eyes Are Not On You

**I know I said I was going on hiatus, but apparently my brain doesn't agree with that decision, so I'm back!**

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I watched from afar as she danced with him, wishing it was me she was dancing with. For once, though, it seemed as though the stars weren't in her eyes when she looked at him. In fact, tonight, she didn't seem to be looking at him much at all. Her eyes seemed to be stuck on someone else.

I couldn't see who she'd been staring at all night, all I know is it wasn't me, and it wasn't him. I wondered who it could be. I wanted her to be happy, of course I wanted that, but I also wanted her to be with someone who deserved her, someone who treated her right, and since I knew he didn't treat her right, he didn't deserve her, I hoped whoever her eyes had be trailing all night was worthy of her.

I mean, of course, I wished that I could be the one who made her happy, and in a way, I did, but just not in the way I wished I could. But then again, though I knew if I ever had my chance with her, I'd treat her right, I also knew I didn't deserve someone as amazing as her. I was amazed that we're as close as we are. I don't deserve her friendship, let alone her love, so I consider myself lucky to be considered one of her best friends.

I watch his face fall as he finally notices that she's looking at someone else. I feel my body getting tense, and I brace myself, ready to jump in if the asshole loses his temper, as he's been known to do.

He says something to her, and she says something back, but I'm too far away to hear what they're saying. He says something else, his lips turned downward slightly. She shrugs and responds.

I wonder what they're saying. I could guess, though I suppose there wasn't a way to be sure, that he wanted to know why she's been looking at someone else, but what I really wanted to know was how she answered him.

She must have said something right, because he seems to have calmed down.

She looks at me, and smile quickly before looking away. I know she's about to walk over to me, so I ready myself, knowing that even though I'm on my third drink tonight, I can't let anything slip.

Sure enough, within minutes she's tapping me on the shoulder.

I turn to face her. She's breathtaking as always.

"Hey," she says to me, "Are you okay?" She sounds concerned, but then again, if she thinks something's wrong, she would be. We are best friends after all.

"I'm fine," I lie, knowing that I'll never truly be fine, watching her with someone else.

"Really, Em, I'm fine," I insist when she gives me a look that tells me she doesn't believe me.

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	4. They Warned Me About You

The girl in front of me was beautiful. She was slightly shorter than me, and her blonde hair seemed to fall halfway down her back, her emerald eyes shone at me as if there were actually a light in them.

The girl flashed her pearly whites at me. I smiled gently back at her. Sure, she was beautiful, but she wasn't Emily. Then again, they never were. Nobody could compare to Emily, but tonight, the blonde would have to do.

"Hi," I said, introducing myself to the girl.

"Hi," she said nervously.

"I haven't seen you around before, are you new?" I asked.

"Just moved here from Vermont," she admitted to me.

"Vermont? It's beautiful up there," I said.

From what I'd seen of it, it was beautiful. Not that I'd seen much of it. I'd only been there two or three times, but the views in Vermont were much better than the ones here in Pennsylvania.

"You've been there?" she asked, surprised.

"A couple of times," I shrugged. It wasn't a big deal.

She looked at me, seemingly awestruck, though I hadn't a clue why.

"So, Vermont," I said casually, "You have a name?"

Of course she had a name.

"Oh, yeah, I'm Jocelyn," the girl said.

"Jocelyn…" I mused, "That's a pretty name, perfect for a pretty girl like you."

Jocelyn blushed. In all honesty, she was much more than pretty, but the only girl I would ever call beautiful, at least out loud, was Emily.

"I'm…"

"I know who you are," Jocelyn said, "Everyone told me to steer clear of you."

I grinned. Of course they would. After all, I was Rosewood's resident heartbreaker.

"And yet you called to me with your pretty little smile," I said.

Jocelyn blushed again, her eyes looking up at me through her fluttering eyelashes. I could almost hear her heart pounding in her chest.

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	5. The Morning After

I woke up with Jocelyn snuggled up on my chest. I rolled my eyes. They all really think that they'll change me, that they can make me into the perfect girlfriend, but they can't. Only Emily can, but of course, she doesn't know that.

I carefully got out of my bed, putting a pillow where I had been laying so as not to disturb the girl. I quickly got dressed, nothing fancy, just jeans and a random shirt, and went downstairs. I made coffee, and chugged it down before making breakfast. I wasn't really hungry, but I figured I should feed Jocelyn, after all I wasn't heartless, I wasn't just going to kick her out, but I would have to make it clear that this wasn't going to happen again, a fact in which, if she was smart, she probably already knew.

Jocelyn came downstairs, she had taken one of my button down shirts and was wearing it like you see women in the movies wearing them when they answer the door after just having had sex. I understood the sentiment, and in the movies, I even thought it was cute, but Jocelyn wasn't my girlfriend, so she really shouldn't be wearing my clothes.

"Hungry?" I said, having just finished making the bacon.

"Starved," she said, taking a seat. I put a plate of bacon eggs and toast in front of her. And she smiled. No doubt she thought it meant something that I was making her breakfast, but again, I wasn't about to kick her out as soon as she woke up.

I heard the doorbell ring.

"It's open" I yelled.

I heard the front door open and shut.

"I just wanted to check on you, you seemed a little off last night," I heard Emily's voice ring out before she even made it into the kitchen.

I felt my heart race, but I didn't let it show.

Emily stopped short when she saw Jocelyn, who was staring up at her, probably wondering why Emily was here.

"I'm fine," I said.

Emily glared at me, rolling her eyes.

"Yeah, that's what you said last night, but you forget how well I know you."

I laughed lightly, or at least I hoped it was light, I wasn't entirely sure how everything I was doing was coming off.

"Apparently not as well as I thought, because I really am fine," I said, rolling my eyes at her, "Though I appreciate your concern."

I thought I heard Jocelyn clear her throat, and I realized that since she was new, she didn't realize how completely not unusual this was for us.

"Oh, Jocelyn, this is Emily, she's one of my best friends," I said, introducing the two of them, "Em, this is Jocelyn, she just moved here from Vermont."

The look on Jocelyn's face told me that she was impressed that I even remembered that, though admittedly, I was slightly impressed with myself too. I had gotten pretty wasted last night.

"I made bacon, if you want some, Em," I said, feeling both Emily's and Jocelyn's eyes on me.

"That sounds amazing," Emily said, flashing me her signature smile which made me melt every time I saw it.

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	6. Bastard

I could feel my elation coursing through my veins. I had been waiting for this moment for a long time, and I hadn't felt this positive in a while.

She had finally done it. She had finally dumped his ass. And though she still wasn't, and probably would never be mine, she had finally rid herself of the delinquent jock she had called her boyfriend, and for the moment, I couldn't be happier.

I was still blurry on the details of what had actually happened between them, but I felt a whole lot better knowing she wasn't with him. I still don't know what she had ever seen in him. Maybe it's me, because he seems to be well liked by many people, but to me, he has always seemed fake, like the person that everyone seemed to fawn over wasn't actually him, just his façade.

I had, almost always, made my distaste for the boy very clear, so it was no surprise to Em when I suggested we go out after practice to celebrate. In fact, she had laughed, and smiled and even agreed to the celebration.

I waited for Em by her locker, in the place where we always met, but when she hadn't shown up fifteen minutes after I had seen some of her teammates leave, I decided to wander into the locker rooms to see if she was still there.

I heard her scream as I opened the door to the locker room. Adrenaline rushed through my body, and I raced toward the sound of her.

I stopped short at the sight in front of her. I was completely and utterly shocked, and yet, at the same time, I wasn't.

She was crying. Her face was contorted in pain. She looked as though she had given up. It broke my heart.

He was hurting her. He was holding her down. He was _violating_ her. He was _smiling_.

I felt the rage explode within me as I shoved him off of her.

"You bastard!" I screamed, kicking him in the groin. If I hadn't been so intent on killing him and making sure Emily was alright, I probably would have thrown up just from knowing that he had been inside of her, especially against her will.

He doubled over in pain, his hands automatically covering himself. I kicked him in the groin again, through his hands, and when he had fallen to the ground, I kicked him once more.

Satisfied for the moment, I ran to Emily.

She looked as if all the color and light has disappeared from the world, as if it had all gone black. Her wrists were badly bruised from his grip on her, and those weren't the only bruises he had inflicted. They seemed to litter her bare flesh. She had curled up into a ball while I had been dealing with him.

"Em," I said softly, though I was sure that the agony from seeing her like this, from knowing what had happened to her, from not knowing what to do now, was apparent when I spoke.

Her eyes, which had been closed, fluttered open, and looked at me. The fire that I had always seen in them was gone. Now they looked dead.

"Spence?"

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**I know a lot of you were hoping that it was from Hanna's POV or Alison's POV, so I'm sorry if this was a disappointment.**

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	7. No Good

I had always known he was no good, that he wasn't the boy everyone thought he was. I don't know how I knew that, it was just an instinct, a gut feeling. Nobody had listened to me though, least of all Emily, they couldn't see past the act. I'll never understand what they all saw in him.

I had always known he was no good, but even I hadn't expected this from him. Even I had thought he was better than this.

"Oh, Em," I said, my voice cracking, looking at the broken girl in front of me.

"Let's get you dressed," I said softly.

I looked for her clothes, but found that he had literally ripped them off of her, so I changed into my field hockey clothes and gave her mine.

When she stood, she was shaking, unsteady on her feet. I couldn't blame her though, why wouldn't she be shaking?

Not trusting her to stay upright for very long, I picked her up and carried her to my car, driving her to the hospital where she would need to have a rape kit done.

After all was said and done, the rape kit, talking with the police about what had happened, I drove Emily home, promising not to leave her, knowing I couldn't even if she had wanted me to. I needed to be near her in case she needed anything. I needed to make sure she was okay, which I knew she wasn't and wouldn't be for a while. I needed to be able to protect her in case he came back.

After explaining to her mother what had happened, I took her to her room, and held her in my arms as she fell asleep, completely exhausted.

No good, that's what he was. I had told Emily that she should stay away from him, that he was no good, but she hadn't listened to me. No, instead she had fallen for him. But then, isn't that what everyone said about me? Stay away. She's no good. And yet the girls kept coming anyway.

No. I was not like him. I would never be like him. The girls, they usually came to me. And when they said no, I backed off. But he, he had raped her. She had rejected him and he had _raped _her. Sure, I got around, as they might say, but I would never be like him. I would never force anyone to do something they didn't want to do, with the possible exception of cleaning and homework. But nothing like this. And especially not to Emily.

Emily was so sweet, so loving. He was a monster. He had broken her, and I could see it, even as she lay there, sleeping soundly, I could see just how badly she had been broken.

"I'm sorry," I whispered to Emily, knowing that she couldn't hear me in her sleep, "I'm so sorry."

A tear escaped my eye, sliding down my cheek.

"I'm sorry I couldn't protect you from him, I'm sorry I didn't get there in time, I'm sorry he did this to you, I'm sorry you've been hurt."

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	8. The Inbetween

It had been three days. Three days since I had first seen the hallowed, broken eyes of the girl I was in love with. And in those three days, neither of us had left her bed, save for the use of the toilet.

I was pretty sure that the only reason Pam had allowed me to stay with her was the combination of me having been the one to stop Ben and take care of Emily, and the fact that the only time Emily would speak was in her insistence that I stay. She hung onto me as if she might die if I left.

She was shaking now, and I wondered if she might be reliving that day in her dreams. I rather hoped she was not. When I saw the tears that were escaping her eyes, I figured I should wake her up.

"Em," I said, "Em, wake up."

Her eyes flew open. She slipped herself over, looking at me before collapsing once more into my arms. Only this time, she wrapped her arms around me, holding onto me for dear life, somewhat cutting off my air supply. I could feel her tears soaking into my shirt.

"Shhh, it's okay, Em, it's okay, it was just a dream," I said as soothingly as I could.

"Don't leave me," she whispered, her arms tightening around me, as though she thought I would.

"Never," I whispered into her ear.

And I wouldn't. Not if my life depended on it.

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	9. First Step To Back To Normal

At Pam's insistence, I had managed to convince Emily that we should go to school today. It was necessary. What had happened was awful. Horrific. But even so, we could only stay in bed for so long, as much as we might have wished otherwise.

As I drove us to school, I could feel her stress levels rising.

I imagined she must be wondering if he'll be there. Maybe he's been detained, and if so, does the whole school now know what happened to her?

I slowly and gently took her hand into mine, making sure to keep my left hand on the steering wheel, but stealing glances at Emily whenever I felt safe enough to. I squeezed it lightly.

"It's going to be alright," I said, "I won't let anything happen to you. I'll protect you. I won't leave your side."

I hoped that my words, true as they were, would help her to relax. They seemed to help a little bit. I felt her stress levels rise again, though, when we arrived at school.

I guessed nobody knew what happened because Hanna and Aria ambushed us almost as soon as we had gotten out of the car, which was not a smart move given what had happened to Emily.

I wrapped my arm protectively around her as she let her weight fall onto me. She was already overwhelmed.

"Where have you guys been? We've been trying to find you." Aria said, worriedly.

She had good reason to be worried. We hadn't been seen by anyone but Emily's mom in almost a week. But then, they hadn't come by Emily's, so they couldn't have been trying to find us all that hard.

"Yeah," Hanna said, "It's not like you to stand up your dates, Spence."

"Why haven't you guys been answering your phones?" Aria asked.

I had forgotten about my phone. I assumed Emily's was still in the locker room, but I had forgotten mine at home the day it had happened.

"Back off," I said, a bit more harsh than I had intended. After all, Hanna and Aria were our best friends, too.

I felt Emily hide away into my chest.

Hanna and Aria looked taken aback. They obviously hadn't been expecting that.

"You should tell them," I said softly to Emily, "They'll protect you, too."

Emily lifted her head from my chest and looked pleadingly at me with her big brown broken eyes. They still seemed so empty, lifeless. Without saying a word, I knew exactly what she wanted. She wanted me to tell them, when no one was around.

I nodded in understanding, and she buried her head in my chest once more.

I mouthed the word 'later' to Hanna and Aria.

They looked confused as ever, and understandably so, but they nodded.

I looked around, happy that I had yet to see any sign of him. That could only be a good sign. Hopefully, he was nowhere to be found.

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	10. The Empty Classroom

I looked inside the classroom. As I had hoped, it was empty. This was the best place to have conversations in, well, the best place you could find at school. It was one of the only classrooms with a lock on it, and it was hardly ever used.

I had sat with Emily through first and second period, which we shared, keeping my promise to never leave her. It was third period now, but instead of going to History, I pulled Emily into the empty classroom and waited for Aria and Hanna to arrive.

It was my idea to skip, which surprised everyone. I'm usually not happy about skipping classes, but I didn't have third period with Emily, and I wasn't about to leave her alone. Sure, I'd have to figure out a better way to handle the classes that we didn't have together, but until we did, this was my solution. She needed me now, and though on one else knew, I had always needed her.

Emily looked shaken. I guess it was to be expected, first day back in school after it had happened. I felt uncomfortable, not because of Emily, not really anyway. I just didn't know how to help her. I felt powerless, useless, and I wasn't used to feeling that way. A Hastings always has a solution. So why didn't I have one?

The classroom we were in was located at the end of the school. No one really came down here unless they were ditching or they had to for some reason (which wasn't often). There was a window near the door, on the adjoining wall. I sat down on a desk facing that window, so I could see the door and still look out into the nearby woods.

I pulled Emily close to me, wrapping my arms around her. She leant backwards against me, seemingly relaxing a little bit.

"How are you holding up?" I asked her quietly.

"What if he's here?" she whispered fearfully. "What if he's waiting for another chance to…" she trailed off.

I felt her tense again.

"He's not going to get one," I said through gritted teeth. I took a deep breath to calm myself. "And you know why?" I asked her.

She shook her head. She was really afraid of him now. Not that she didn't have good reason to be. But it was unsettling to see her this broken.

"Because I won't let him," I whispered softly to her. I rested my head on her shoulder, and whispered into her ear, "I won't ever leave you. And I'd sooner die than let him lay another hand on you."

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	11. The Truth About Ben (I Told You So)

Emily relaxed into me more, only tensing slightly when Aria and Hanna walked into the room.

Aria locked the door behind her, giving us our privacy.

Hanna looked at Emily and I.

"Are you guys a couple now? Is that why you've been MIA?" Hanna asked.

Emily tensed, shaking her head almost violently. It hurt, seeing Emily so vehemently opposed to the mere idea of it, but I couldn't hold anything against her, certainly not with everything that's happened to her.

Aria hit Hanna lightly on the arm, which made Emily tense even more.

"Don't do that," I hissed at Aria, who looked back at me confused.

"What?" Hanna asked.

I didn't want Emily to have to think about this. Not now. Not again.

"Em?" I said softly. She turned her head to look at me, her brown eyes seemingly pleading with me not to make her relive the traumatic event again. I figured as much though.

"You want to listen to some music while I talk to them?" I asked her sweetly.

I thought I saw a hint of a smile at my suggestion. She nodded. I dug my ipod out of my pocket and gave it to her. I waited until she had the music on to say anything else. I could hear her blasting Taylor Swift through the earbuds, in the attempt to not hear anything I would be saying.

Turning back to Aria and Hanna, I finally spoke.

"You know how I never liked Ben?" I said, "I always had this feeling that I shouldn't trust him."

They nodded, they'd known how I'd felt about Ben. Everyone had known how I had felt about Ben.

"He was worse than even I had thought."

"What do you mean?" Aria asked.

"Well, the day that Emily broke up with him, I wanted to celebrate. We were going to go out after practice. I saw some people leaving that I knew were on the swim team, and fifteen minutes later, there was still no sign of Emily, so I went to the locker room to look for her."

Hanna and Aria looked at me worriedly, urging me to continue with their eyes.

My fingers clenched, thinking about it. My voice twisted into pained rage.

"I heard her scream almost as soon as I entered. And when I found her, he was…" I paused, trying to get myself to say the necessary words, but it was just so hard to think about, to relive, let alone to say. "He was _inside_ her." I spat, the venom in my voice unmistakable.

I saw their eyes widen.

"He was pinning her to the ground. Her clothes had literally been ripped of her. I'm assuming she fought back, and he didn't like that, because she was littered in bruises. She was crying and shaking, but by the time I had reached them, it looked like she'd given up. I kicked pushed him off of her, kicking him until I was sure he wouldn't get up again. I got her dressed and took her to the hospital. And then I took her home. She's been like a zombie since. The only time she's spoken is when her mother wanted me to leave. She doesn't want to be alone. And she knows I won't hurt her. And I'm going to stay by her side for as long as she needs me to. As far as not answering phones. I forgot mine at home the day it happened, and I have yet to go home. I think hers is probably still in her locker."

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	12. Broken

Hanna was mad. I suppose we all were. But Hanna looked like she was going to murder somebody. Not that she ever would. She's got a heart of gold, but she's fiercely protective of her best friends. Those being me, Emily, Aria and, unfortunately, Mona.

I was almost afraid for Ben, because once Hanna got to him, it wasn't going to pretty. Almost. Then again, I knew how she felt. I had gotten some good kicks in when it happened, but I'd abandoned my rage in favor of taking care of Emily. That was then, is now, and would always be my primary concern. Emily.

"Why didn't you tell us _sooner_!" Hanna yelled at me, her hands beating a little to hard on my chest. She wasn't really trying to hurt me, and I knew she wasn't _really_ angry with me. She was upset. That it had happened. That it had happened _to Emily_. That she was just finding out. That she hadn't been able to do anything to help.

Emily stood there shaking, having seen Hanna pounding on my chest. I saw the expression in her eyes as she stared at us. I quickly powered though Hanna to comfort Emily. After all, she was the one that mattered. Not that Hanna and Aria didn't. But Emily needed me more.

She had started whimpering, though I don't think she had noticed. I took the headphones out of her ears as I held her in my arms.

"Shhh," I whispered in her ear, "It's okay, Em, Hanna wasn't hurting me. It's okay, You're okay."

I glared at Hanna, who looked hurt and confused. She obviously hadn't realized what had just happened.

When I calmed Emily down enough, she returned to the land of music while I talked with Aria and Hanna some more.

"You can't do that, Han," I said, my tone low, but deadly serious. "The yelling, the hitting, they're all triggers for her."

It was like a lightbulb had gone off in her head. And I knew she understood now.

When Aria finally spoke, it was almost like she'd been broken, too. Not as badly as Emily, but it was off, it was solemn.

"What happened to Ben?"

"I don't know yet," I answered honestly. "We gave statements to the police, and I haven't seen him yet today, but I think if he'd been arrested, the whole school would have known what had happened."

I paused, sighing heavily.

"It was terrifying," I whispered to them, "Not just because of what he did, which was obviously horrific, but just seeing her like that. It was like she'd been completely hollowed out. Like all the color and warmth had drained out of the world, and her eyes were just so _empty_. It was like in doing what he had done, he had killed her inside. She's still so broken. I don't know how to help her."

I felt a single tear fall down my face.

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	13. A Little At A Time

The day was done. It had been a long one, but we had made it through. But now we were back in Emily's room and once again, she was lying down, her head on my lap, as if the world was over. Her eyes betrayed just how broken she really was. I ran my fingers gently through her hair, massaging her scalp.

I felt completely useless, like I had failed her. She was hurting and I didn't know what to do to help her. I couldn't erase what had happened, or the pain that went with it. I couldn't erase the bruises or the memories. I couldn't think of the right words to say. And so there was silence. Or near silence. The sounds of her not-so-even breathing tore through me like bullets.

I had to keep reminding myself to be strong for her, but every time I saw her eyes, I nearly broke down. How was I supposed to watch her waste her life away? Her brokenness was killing me, and I couldn't deal with it anymore, but there was no way in hell I was leaving her, especially not like this.

"Em?" I asked, though my voice was quiet, and broken.

Her only response was to turn to look at me. Her empty eyes piercing my heart once more.

"I don't know what to do," I confessed, "I don't know how to help you."

She was still broken, her eyes were still empty, but she had suddenly gotten better. Not completely, but her eyes were a little less empty now, and she was little less broken.

"You already are," she said. She didn't smile, but she held my gaze, and I could tell that she meant it. I laid down beside her and wrapped my arms around her.

"Good," I whispered back to her, my voice stronger now, my confidence having been boosted, "because I can't stand seeing you hurt."

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	14. Strange Things Are Happening

Everything had changed. Emily was still broken, but thankfully she was slowly healing from the trauma. Every morning, when I looked in her eyes, they'd gotten a little brighter, a little more lively.

Having been going to school, she was now accustomed to loud noises again, and she could interact with people almost as if nothing had happened. But the triggers were still there. Unexpected touches, any displays of violence, things like that.

Hanna had been losing sleep, worrying about Emily. It showed in the bags that had appeared under her eyes, which for Hanna, was very, very unusual. Her appearance had always been very important to her.

Aria was probably the least changed, but I wondered if it was because she'd been the most different of us. She worried too, of course, but not enough to keep her from sleeping every night, like Hanna.

As for me, I'd convinced Emily's mom to bring the circumstances to the school's attention. I'd promised Emily I wouldn't leave her, but we'd been skipping classes we didn't share until Pam and I had convinced the school to change my schedule around to mirror Emily's. It mostly meant that I dropped half of my AP courses, which my parents were furious about, but I didn't care. Emily came first.

I think the thing that shocked everybody most, other than Ben's escapade, which had been brought to everyone's attention the day my classes had been changed when Ben had been formally arrested in the middle of school, was that I hadn't been on a single date, or even tried to since the night before it had happened. It had been almost three weeks since I'd slept with someone.

Nobody knew why except for me. Hanna and Aria had chalked it up to a friend being in need, which they understood. That had certainly been part of it, but why would I need anybody else when I had Emily all the time now. Sure it wasn't in the way I wanted it to be, and it wasn't under the circumstances I would have liked, but I spent all my time with the girl I loved. I wasn't about to chase some bimbo around for a quick fuck when I could be spending time with Emily.

I worried, still, about Emily. At school she put on a show, but when we got back to her house, she still laid in bed sulking, only getting up, for the most part, to use the bathroom or when her mother called us down for dinner. She didn't eat much either. She ate a few bites every meal, but mostly just rearranged the food on her plate with her fork. I supposed it was an improvement from when she wouldn't get up, even for food, but she was slowly getting thinner and paler, almost sickly. I'd need to talk to her about this.

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	15. Open The Bottle

I lay with Emily, my arms around her in a comforting embrace, like we lay every day. I could hear the gears in her head whirring around, and decided it was about time that I said something.

"Em," I said softly, "Talk to me. Tell me what you're thinking."

Emily turned around, her eyes meeting mine. She looked as if she were about to break all over again, like she was fighting back tears.

I pulled her closer to me, holding her tightly. I barely heard her speak into my shoulder.

"He stole it from me," she whimpered, "My first time, he just, he stole it."

I wanted to comfort her, but I didn't know how. I was already holding her tightly in my arms. I wished I could tell her it was okay, but it wasn't. I felt the need to say something, but then, she was finally speaking about it, and I knew that in this moment I just needed to listen.

"I can't, he just, I thought he cared, but then he just, and now…"

I felt a burn in my chest, one that was becoming all too familiar. Not knowing what else to do, I rested my head on top of hers, pressing my lips softly into her hair.

"And you,"

I froze. What had I done? I felt my heart beat faster. I hadn't hurt her, had I? I've been trying so hard to be whatever she needed. Had I messed up? I hadn't meant to. But of course, it was me, I must've messed up somewhere. I couldn't figure out what it was though. If I only knew what I had done, I could apologize and beg for forgiveness.

"You saved me, he was, and you saved me. I should have listened to you, before, when you were telling me he was no good, you were right, but I didn't, and I should have, and then he, but you saved me."

Emily wasn't speaking in coherent sentences, but then, after what had happened, who could blame her? I think it showed just how well I knew her that I understood what she was saying perfectly. Or at least I think I understood.

"And you've been so good to me, and I've just been, and now you probably think, and you, but you're too good, and they probably, but I don't…"

At this point, I knew I had to stop her from rambling. I pulled back slightly to look into her eyes as I spoke.

"Hey, hey, don't you think for one second that you're a burden. I don't think any less of you now; I think you're strong, stronger than I'd have been if the situation were reversed. And I don't want to be off with some girl who thinks that sex and breakfast will make me fall in love with them. I am exactly where I need to be, where I want to be. I would never leave you for them, I will never leave you at all. And yeah, they probably do want me back, but that's too bad for them, because I'm staying right here with you. You're kind of stuck with me."

Emily pulled me closer, hugging me with everything she had. I responded likewise, never getting enough of her.

I could tell that her whole blubbering confessions had drained her, that she was trying so hard to stay awake now.

"Em, let go, you're tired, go to sleep, I'll be right here when you wake up."

She smiled slightly, and just before she fell to the land of dreams, she whispered, "It was supposed to be you."


	16. Now Or Never

It had been two hours since Emily had fallen asleep. Two hours of my mind trying to analyze those last few words she had spoken. _It was supposed to be you_. What did she mean? A number of possibilities crossed my mind, but she couldn't have meant what I thought she meant, could she?

Emily stirred in my arms. Turning over to face me, her eyes fluttered open.

"Em?" I whispered.

"Yeah?"

"What did you mean?" I asked, before I could change my mind. I had to know.

"What?" she said, confusion evident on her face.

"Before you fell asleep, you said 'It was supposed to be you.' What was supposed to be me?"

I watched Emily's eyes go wide. She obviously hadn't meant for me to know that. A faint blush covered her face, giving it more color than I'd seen in it for weeks.

She averted her eyes, trying to look anywhere but at me.

"Did you mean what I think you meant?" I whispered, almost afraid to know the answer.

Emily made no move to respond.

If she meant what I thought she meant, then maybe I just had to go first. But what if she didn't? Could I really admit…. Yes. I had to. I had a tiny sliver of hope where there used to be nothing but emptiness, and if there was the slightest possibility of being with her, well it was now or never.

"Em," I said, knowing she wasn't going to respond. "Remember earlier when I told you that I didn't want to be with some girl who thought sex and breakfast would make me fall in love with them?"

Emily looked at me now, her eyes telling me to continue.

"They all think they can change me, that I'll find love with them. But what they don't understand is that the only reason I'm with them is because I know I won't. I know I won't because I've…"

I could do this. This was my chance.

"Because I've always been in love with you. I never in a million years thought that you would return my feelings, so one night I went out to ease the pain. And that's what I've been doing, trying to ease the pain. They all try to change me, but they don't know that you're the only one who can."


	17. Moment Of Truth

I started to panic. I obviously misinterpreted the signals. It's been three minutes and she hasn't said anything. What was I thinking? Of course she didn't feel the same way; I've known this for ages. Now I've screwed everything up in my delusions of being loved by her.

"Em," I whispered. "Em, please say something."

I felt her eyes snap to mine before I saw them move.

This was it. The moment of truth. This was the part where she tells me I've ruined everything, that she wants nothing to do with me anymore.

The rational side of me knew that she would never just dismiss me like that, that we've been friends for too long for her to cut me out of her life for something like this, but the rational side of me wasn't present.

I held my breathe as she opened her mouth to say something.

"Don't be mad," she whispered.

I felt my heart break at those words. Those words meant that I never really had a chance with her, though I really knew that all along.

On the bright side, those words also meant that she still valued what I thought, what I felt. It meant that we would still be friends, hopefully just as good of friends as we were before I said anything, before Ben happened, before everything.

It still stung though, having it confirmed that I would never be anything more than a friend to her, knowing that I never stood a chance.

Suddenly, I was extremely self-conscious about being in her bed with her right now. What did she think of this? What did she think I thought of this? Was she going to kick me out of her bed right now? Was I making her feel uncomfortable?

"Don't be mad," Emily repeated softly.

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**Don't be mad! Only a few more chapters to go! **


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